The Amazon Trail

DNA: Dyke Now and Always

By Lee Lynch

LeeLynchLg

 

There are certain memories that glow unexpectedly brighter than the other million moments cataloged in my mind. Their significance demands attention, and for good reason. The accumulation of those quick seconds is the DNA that creates who I am. DNA being the acronym for Dyke Now and Always.

My first memory: I’m two. My father home from work in Manhattan with his newspaper, listening to a radio show while, hidden from view (I thought) by his newspaper, I danced and danced to Nat King Cole, Julie London, Benny Goodman. Thirteen years later, to Little Anthony and the Imperials, Sarah Vaughan, The Fleetwoods, I danced and danced in the hidden back rooms of gay bars.

As a queer child I played on the back lawn with neighbor kids. I was quick and smart, but never chosen for games. Instead I was taunted at any little hint of difference. I still hear the singsong voices shaming me to tears, chasing me across the green grass away from a game of Red Rover. Forty years later, on a hot night in another state, different kids—now adults—crowded in front of a courthouse to taunt grown queers, to shame our rights away from us.

In January, 1960, hidden in the bedroom of her parent’s first floor apartment, amazed, I kissed my first girlfriend, a girl group playing on the radio. Fifty years later, in October, 2010, in the flagrant autumn outdoors, awed, I married my last girlfriend ever, Vivaldi on the boom box.

Huddled in a rattling, rocking, wicker-seated subway car, clasped hands out of sight under winter jackets, smoking cigarettes, so proud, so scared, still girls. Fifty years on, standing high on a mountain over the Pacific Ocean, inhaling the wind between my sweetheart’s kisses, journeying to maturity. So powerful, so fulfilled.

New Haven, Connecticut, Dunkin’ Donuts downtown at the break of day, hot black tea. Buses on the Green puffing exhaust at dirty snow. Hungover after a late night at the Parkway Bar up Chapel Street. Ten years later, San Francisco Sober Fair, a hall filled with people once confined to gay bars. Freedom on the steep hills, passing through fog to sunshine, gathering healthy in broad daylight.

Macy’s escalator, 34th Street, ascending, excited to shop for for college clothes, buying a wardrobe out of an Ann Bannon book. Dyke fashion before it was a fashion. A buffoon in the dorm. The queer one. A photo fifteen years later: shock of recognition. That’s me? That good-looking dyke?

New Hampshire in the spring, climbing rocks over a river a long way down. Suddenly afraid of heights. A few years later, a university in the midwest, my first novel out, on a panel with Jewelle Gomez and other lesbian luminaries. Sick as a dog, shaking like a leaf, scared out of my wits. Suddenly afraid of heights.

A corner spa in Woonsocket, Rhode Island. Buying lottery scratch-offs and laughing at losses with my wife-to-be, triumphant at a $2.00 win. Walking the West Coast beaches together, finding a magnificently formed, palm-sized blue agate, the most spectacular prize since cereal box toys.

The gloom of my mother’s church and her faith. The women’s land circles where I felt like a throbbing sore thumb. The sun patterns on a brook that took my breath away. The vastness of Oregon’s Kalmiopsis Wilderness that took my breath away. The books that took my breath away. The first sight of my sweetheart that took my heart away. The masses of deep red flowers on an Azalea bush so abundant I could have melted right into its glory and called it heaven—my nameless spirituality.

The narrow bedroom in my parent’s apartment, the polished mahogany desk, the paper, the pen, where I learned to labor over words. The tiny unfinished pine desk in the corner of our post-college bedroom where I wrote for “The Ladder,” so young, both myself and modern lesbian literature.

They all come together, these brightly burning memories. A main street railroad crossing in a small Western or New England town that evokes all of America for me, both the good and the bad, the bullies and the gays, the heat and the cold, the belonging and the exile.

How to make a dyke. Feed her Cracker Jacks, let her dance, give her some tools to work with. Let her love.

 

Copyright 2015 Lee Lynch

30 Responses to “The Amazon Trail”


  1. 1 Devlyn May 5, 2015 at 9:02 AM

    Thanks for sharing your most memorable moments with us Lee. I may have swooned when you said you married your last girlfriend ever. While I can’t marry mine, I know she is the last one.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. 3 kejaeck May 5, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    Incredible post. Wish I could describe my life trail like that!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 5 Connie May 5, 2015 at 10:27 AM

    Beautifully said Lee. What nice glimpses of then & now brought together for all to share.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 7 mebuchanan May 5, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    Lovely, Lee. Brought back many memories for me, not the same, but little nuggets of gold.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 9 Renée Bess May 5, 2015 at 10:49 AM

    Stunningly beautiful. Your words never fail us. They nurture us. Thanks once again, Lee.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 11 onamarae May 5, 2015 at 10:54 AM

    Simply beautiful and awe-some. Thank you for expressing what words fail so many of us, and undoubtedly me.

    Ona

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 13 sacchigreen May 5, 2015 at 11:49 AM

    Such a beautiful. many-faceted panorama. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 15 walnut242 May 5, 2015 at 12:02 PM

    Thank you for sharing your precious life moments with us. Beautifully said as I am sure it was beautifully lived.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 19 Susan Mc May 5, 2015 at 3:13 PM

    Now THAT is how a writer writes! Beautiful Lee,thank you for sharing those rushed glimpses of your life…your books made a difference in my life and I thank you for that.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. 21 Lee Lynch May 5, 2015 at 3:44 PM

    I’m so grateful to you all. Each of your comments is another golden moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. 22 Heather Blackmore May 5, 2015 at 9:21 PM

    I always look forward to the latest installment of The Amazon Trail. You write beautifully, Lee. As always, thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. 24 Denna May 5, 2015 at 9:59 PM

    Thank you again Lee for sharing what’s inside that beautiful mind of yours. I can’t begin to express how your words motivate and inspire me in my everyday life.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. 26 S.A. May 6, 2015 at 12:17 PM

    Wonderful blog, Lee! Very rich account of significant milestones in your personal history, several of which resonant with me and many of which give me even greater appreciation for the wonderful LGBT community that was so willing to step up and stand out during the turbulent years in the mid and late 1990s. Thank you!

    Like

  14. 28 Beth May 7, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    You write so eloquently, your words bring forth such depth and emotion. I’m so glad you got to marry your last girlfriend. You and Elaine are wonderful people, who make this world a far better place.

    Like

  15. 29 CF Frizzell May 9, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    Oh, Lee. As always, I smile and shake my head, awed by the mastery that just flows so easily. You take the reader to heart, take her with you, wide-eyed and eager, like no other author can. Don’t ever stop. You’ll always be this author’s hero. Hugs from friz.

    Like


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