When I was a kid, there was a popular holidaysong called “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.” So what does agrown up dyke wish for at Christmas, Kwanzaa or Hanukah? After all these yearsof accumulating Stuff, I can think of more I’d rather lose than gain. Startingwith pounds. So no sweet potato pie, chocolate coins or marzipan rugelach andcertainly no stealing Santa Claus’ cookies and milk.
This time of year is supposed to be all about peace. I wouldn’t mind a little of that. No, make that a lot. Put a one-wayticket home in every soldier’s stocking. Take all the military funds and purchase ploughshares, not stock market shares. Plough under all the failed strip malls,strip mines and clear-cuts. Reforest our land. The returning troops and the unemployedcould rebuild the United States from potholes to playgrounds to honest politicians.
It’s not that I don’t want a MacBookAir, an iPhone and a sled full of other cool gizmos, but Verizon just sent me afree android phone whose wonders I’ve barely begun to plumb. It’s not that Idon’t want a hand truck or the coffee table book Vivian Maier: StreetPhotographer. On any given day I could add something new to my stuff lust.
The truth is, I have everything Ineed, including a sled full of electronic gizmos. I have my sweetheart and ourcomfy home and our beloved pets. We are healthy and have jobs. We have caringfamily and friends. I have a new mess of books from the library.
I’ll settle for folding down the seats in my car, covering them with the old army blanket and trundling off to get ourtree. We have the worst luck with trees, but we keep trying. This is our fifthholiday season together. We’re kind of a comedy act around the tree though.
The first year went fine. Except it wasn’t Christmas yet. I flew from Oregon to Florida early in December and mysweetheart met me at the airport wearing a Santa hat. That was the zaniest,most festive gesture she could have made. Immediately, it really was theholiday season. We went to an outdoor stand all lit up with colored lights and gota beautiful, fresh tree. We loaded it with a bountiful supply of decorations.
By the second year, we had u-hauled mecross country and were still unpacking. Wedidn’t have time, energy or space for a tree.
So for our third Christmas together, wewent to a PTA fund raiser and found the most perfect tree I’ve ever seen.Should I mention my sticker shock at the cost of trees? I remember paying $15.00;now you can spend $85.00 on a tree. Yet, while my sweetheart was content with amere six footer, I knew she’d always wanted a big one. She couldn’t stopsmiling at the nine-footer I chose, not knowing what lurked within.
But, okay, my sweetheart is an oldfashioned girl and likes her trees so we brought home this perfect tree, luggedit into the dining room and stood it up. A clump of mud fell to the floor.Except, was that mud? What was that? A cry went up from my ferocious femme. “It’sa mouse!”
It was indeed a mouse. A dead mousethat fell out of our perfect tree. What else were those branches hiding? Yuk! I removed the poor critter, but we were skeeved out. It was like finding a cockroach in your entrée; you lose your appetite.
Then, of course, it didn’t fit in the tree stand. We bought it a big sturdy stand. Somehow, we managed to control our gag reactions long enough to get itupright. Nevertheless, we had no desire to decorate it. So it stood in the dining room bereft and when the holiday cards arrived we used them as garland until we took it to the recycling center.
In our fourth year we were exhausted from a major surgery and marriage planning. We would be out of town for the holiday. We were a bit leery of the whole live tree experience, but artificia lwouldn’t do. No tree.
This year, I found a Groupon. Forty dollars for an $80.00 Douglas fir. How could we resist? Sure, we’d have to trek forty-five minutes north to get it, but hey, this is the land of Mickey Mouse.The mouse lives, right? We are over the dead mouse.
Last Sunday we trekked. We scoped out the web site, Google-mapped, GPSed,called ahead. We got up there and couldn’t find the darned place. Turns out, it was so tiny we passed right by. Some u-turning went on and we pulled up to it. Theplace was locked up, shut down, closed despite its Sunday hours.
We called them, left a message, gaveup. We came home determined. My sweetheart went up into the crawl space andslid tote after tote of decorations down the ladder to me. Our home is adornedwith many-hued totes. Will we get to empty them this year?
All I want for Christmas is to see my sweetheart smile when we light up our tree.
Copyright Lee Lynch 2011